The Billion Dollar Legacy Preview

Chapter 1 - Four Months Ago

Avery

Every injury nursed, every tantrum put out like a fire, every milestone missed, all for this moment where dreams lived or died by a pen’s stroke. Judgment charged the rink today, hanging over the ice and the players. It had been building all week, but now the pressure was palpable. No one could shake it off. Least of all, Avery.

To the left of her were the other girlfriends and wives. They betrayed no sign of inner turmoil, but Avery was sure it was there. There was a unique dread that came with watching someone you love chase a dream. Right now, they were on the precipice of either having it all or squandering their biggest chance.

And there was nothing the women could do about it, except watch, not knowing if they were witnessing the beginning or the end.

Pins and needles made up the arena’s stands where Avery sat. Yet they were nothing compared to the ones her boyfriend, Thomas, skated on.

Avery learned to read Thomas’s anxiety in the way he moved. From the extra tap of his stick against his skates, his chest rising an inch too high, to his practice jersey looking snug over his shoulders.

Ten years together, and she’d never seen him check his laces so many times. Around him, the other hopefuls carved up the ice. But Avery only watched Thomas, trying to will away the tremor in his hands as he adjusted his helmet for the third time.

“Bring it in,” Coach Allen Micheals yelled after his whistle sounded. Thomas’s line jumped over the boards. He joined in step with Brawlers veteran Maxwell Harris and team captain Tyson Wheeler.

The rest of the Blue team followed them to Coach Micheals while the Black team met with assistant Coach Keith Lloyd. Both coaches went over plays with their teams, not loud enough for the ladies to hear. Avery didn’t need to hear what was being said to know she’d seen the same thing the coaches and scouts had. Thomas sucked.

He didn’t normally. His usual fluid stride had a hitch in it as he played, like his muscles were fighting against themselves. A scout on the bench had observed him, then scribbled something in his notebook. Like he’d done with the others, but Avery could feel the extra scrutiny radiate off of him when he watched her boyfriend.

Avery wanted to march down and rip out the page, to explain this wasn’t Thomas. No, this was some anxious doppelgänger that second-guessed every instinct of his. When the teams returned for the scrimmage’s final period, Avery hoped the Thomas she knew would be the one who stepped onto the rink.

Her wish seemed to have come true. His body appeared relaxed when the game resumed. His play was as free as ever, and his skating was as majestic as Avery had ever seen it.

This was the turning point and it couldn’t have come at a better time. It was the last day of training camp. The last game. The last chance Thomas had to impress the Brawlers staff and earn a place on the team.

How Thomas finished the period might decide everything. No matter how dreadful he was in the first two periods, finishing strong would be the lasting impression he would leave on the executives. He looked to be in a good position to achieve that.

Then the puck came to him along the half-boards. He hesitated for a fraction of a second before making the safe play, chipping it deep.

“What the hell is he doing?” Avery muttered under her breath.

If this were any other game, Thomas would have threaded that pass through to Wheeler cutting to the net. But it didn’t matter what he could do on other rinks in other games. This was the game that mattered, and Thomas had let his moment slip away.

GM Dean Gould leaned over to his assistant, whispering something. Neither man’s expression changed, but they both made marks on their clipboards. Avery’s stomach knotted. These were small gestures and tiny notes, but they led to lives changing.

Thomas’s linemates seemed to sense his uncertainty. Twice, Harris set him up for the kind of one-timer Avery had seen him bury a hundred times. Both shots went wide, the second by enough that one coach tilted his head to see where it had gone.

When the buzzer finally sounded, Harris patted Thomas’s shoulder as he skated to the bench with his head down. He knew like Avery did, that the pressure had gotten to him. There was nothing left either of them could do but hope the flashes he’d shown that week were enough to not only survive but make it.

The players, coaches, scouts, and executives returned to the back. Players would shower then have a one-on-one meeting with Coach Micheals, Dean Gould, and owners Ramona and Juliana Kane. The waiting was going to kill Avery. If socializing didn’t first.

“Hey, chatty Cathy,” a WAG slid onto Avery’s row and sarcastically greeted her. Her name escaped Avery, but she was prepared. “Lydia. I belong to Sidwell.”

Ah, the left-winger. That connected the dots. “Right. I’m sorry I didn’t remember you. I promise I’m not a total bitch if you get to know me.”

“I’ve been trying to, but you haven’t made it easy,” Lydia said with no animosity. She seemed as sweet as her strawberry blonde hair insinuated she was. “I’ve tried to include you with me and the other women, but you’ve been determined to keep to yourself. Are we that bad?”

“No! It has nothing to do with you. My mind has been so preoccupied with training camp. I haven’t had enough energy to put toward socializing.”

Lydia nodded, understanding. “You’re young.” It wasn’t a question.

“Twenty.”

“That explains it.”

“Explains what?”

“How you still have that twinkle in your eye. This sport hasn’t beaten it out of you yet.”

“Speaking from experience?”

“Got nothing else to speak from. Nick has been chasing this since high school. He’s realized it a few times, bouncing from riding one team’s bench to another. Now here we are, trying to catch a last grasp at it before it’s all said and done.”

That tale was as old as time in sports circles, especially hockey. As a life-long fan, Avery had seen it all the time. Guys, past their prime, still going after their childhood dream. It didn’t matter if they were a former champion or a forgotten benchwarmer, they all loved it the same. They never wanted to say goodbye. Thomas sure as hell didn’t, not before he had the chance to say hello.

“Looking at you and your guy this week was like looking into a mirror of my past. Nick hustling, doing whatever he could to impress the next scout. Me, acting as his support system all the while I’m a nervous wreck. From what I can tell, you’re handling this a lot better than I was.”

“Thomas and I met when we were babies. Hockey has always been in our lives. I’ve been waiting for this moment as much as he has.”

“I hope your journey goes smoother than mine and Nick’s. This is a tough business. It’ll put you through the wringer a thousand times before it gives you a break. But as long as you got each other to lean on, you’ll survive whatever it throws at you.”

Lydia was right, but Avery and Thomas had never been in this position before. Thomas was the best hockey player at their high school and their reservation. There was never a doubt that he wouldn’t make it to the pros. So sure that they didn’t have a back-up plan. This was it.

What would happen if he got cut? Avery didn’t know, and she wasn’t ready to find out.

***

Thomas had been inside the owners’ office for thirty minutes and counting. When the other three players exited the office and reunited with their spouses, Avery watched their reactions. Like the pros they were, they let nothing on.

No big celebrations or telling smiles. They acted like professionals, but Avery would’ve preferred seeing them be human. It would’ve prepared her for what was to come.

She was playing with the sleeves of her beige cardigan when the door finally opened. Thomas walked out, his face set like a stone. He looked straight ahead, not noticing Avery waiting there.

“Thomas,” Avery hesitated. The second she got his attention and saw his eyes, she would know. As he stood still, facing away from her, there was still room for doubt. “Thomas…”

He marched past her without a word. Avery hurried after him. She matched his fast long steps on the tile flooring until he threw open the door to the parking lot. It slammed shut in her face.

She pushed it open and rushed out into the bitter October cold. Thomas stood at the back of his car, giving no indication that he’d noticed Avery. Maybe that’s why he proceeded to slam his fist on the trunk’s hood because he thought no one was watching him. Avery was and she wouldn’t be the only one if he didn’t stop.

“Thomas,” she called after his knuckles hit the metal so hard the impact echoed. “Stop. I know you’re upset, but you can’t do this. There are important people in there who can come out here and see you, and they won’t hesitate to label you as aggressive. You can’t afford to show anger like a white man, so don’t.”

“It doesn’t even matter. I have nothing to lose. They don’t want me.”

“And this display is going to do what? Prove them wrong? Show them how mature you are? You’re better than this, Thomas.”

He turned around, the full magnitude of his grief reflecting in his eyes. “Do you not comprehend what just happened? I missed it. I missed my shot. This was the one thing I ever wanted, and I lost it.”

“I know,” she said, softening her voice. “This isn’t what we wanted or hoped for, but it’s one team. There will be others.”

“No one else was interested in me except the Brawlers.”

“Then we’ll make someone else interested.”

“How? There are no more roster spots anywhere.”

“Then we’ll wait. Go back home. Try out next year.”

“Ah, yes. That’s exactly what we’ll do, go back to the reserve with our tails between our legs, forced to explain how we didn’t make it big. I don’t want to explain that to my parents, and you can say the same about yours.”

It was true. Neither Avery’s mom nor her dad approved of her leaving and following Thomas to a different country with nothing set in stone. Choice words were said on both sides the day the couple left. The last thing Avery wanted was to prove her parents had been right.

“Okay, you’re right. That wouldn’t be a good look. Still, we have—”

“Stop saying we,” Thomas cut her off. “That’s the whole problem.”

“I don’t understand.”

“Of course you don’t. You’re not the one playing with the weight of the world on your shoulders. You’re on the sidelines, not having to worry or deal with this pressure.”

“I understand you’re upset, but don’t take it out on me. I worry and feel pressure too.”

“Your performance isn’t the one that’s evaluated. You’re not the one who has to play through it. It’s not your future on the line with every play you make. It’s mine.”

“Don’t say that. Our futures are tied together.”

“Because of what? Because we love each other?”

“Yeah. That’s how that works.” How did he need her to explain this to him? They had aligned their futures ever since they started dating. The rejection had Thomas lashing out, but he couldn’t lose sight of that. If he did, he would lose sight of them.

“Except it’s not working,” Thomas said, speaking to the ground. “I’ve known that for a while, but I didn’t want to admit it. Now I can’t afford to ignore it anymore when other people see it too.”

It was as if Thomas were speaking in a foreign language. “See what? What people? What are you talking about?”

“When the Kane sisters had me in their office, they didn’t just tell me I was being cut. They told me why. It’s you.”

Avery’s heart dropped. “Me? What about me? How could I be the reason?”

“I underperformed because you distracted me. I played knowing if I failed, I was failing you too. Ramona and Juliana saw it as much as I felt it.”

Avery couldn’t believe what she was hearing. She could take two strangers with a bird’s eye view of the situation blaming her, but Thomas too? No, it couldn’t be. This wasn’t him talking. It was the Kane sisters.

“You don’t actually feel this way. You’re parroting what they said to make yourself feel better about your shortcomings. If that’s what you need to do to accept this, then fine. I’ll be your punching bag, but eventually you’ll need to wake up and take accountability.”

“That is what I’m doing. You’re the one who needs to wake up and see the truth. I can’t become the player I need to be with you around. Having to worry about providing for both of us is too much pressure. I can’t afford to take care of anyone other than myself right now.”

“What are you trying to tell me?” The answer was obvious, but she needed Thomas to have the balls to say it.

Finally, his eyes met hers again. His face withdrawn, but his voice stern. “I can’t be with you, Avery. It’s not because I don’t love you. I do, but you know how much I want this. To get into the league, I need to focus on my game and getting better.”

“You think you can’t do that with me by your side?”

“Look at where we are. Isn’t this proof enough that I can’t?”

“You wouldn’t have gotten this far if it weren’t for me by your side. I’ve helped get you here. I’ve been your rock every step of the way, and now you’re abandoning me?”

“This is what’s best for both of us. Go home to your parents, Avery. Tell them you’re sorry and that you made a mistake following me. They’ll welcome you back. They’re prideful, but they love you.”

Avery was prideful too. Too prideful to prove her parents right like that. “What will you do since you have it all figured out?”

“Coach Micheals has a friend who works in a minor league in Sweden. They have a roster spot. It’s mine if I want it and I do. I’ll play there a year and earn another PLH invite after I’ve proven myself.”

“What am I supposed to do in this year? Sit at home and wait for you? We were supposed to do this together.”

“For all the time we’ve been together, you’ve clung onto my dream. It’s time for you to find your own.”

“How noble of you to think of me and my dreams. Fuck you, Thomas. Spare me the bullshit faux concern. You’re not doing this for me. This is about you not caring who you hurt in your climb to the top.”

Thomas shook his head. “I’m not doing this to hurt you.”

“Yeah, but you did with how easily you chose to throw me and us away.”

“You think this is easy? It’s not, but I’m so close to having everything I’ve ever wanted. Every great in their pursuit of excellence has had to make sacrifices. You’re mine.”

“If you have to abandon someone who loves you, then you were never that great to begin with.”

Thomas took the dig on the chin. “I’m sorry you see it that way. I wish you saw it from my end.”

Avery couldn’t. She would never understand how someone could do this. She was young with a lot more to learn in life, but she hoped to never learn that.

Thomas grabbed his keys from his pocket, sighing. “Come on. I have to get my suitcases and print my plane ticket. I’ll drop you off at the hotel before I leave for the airport.”

“No, I’ll get an Uber.”

“Don’t be ridiculous. I’m offering you a free ride.”

“You don’t want to take care of me anymore, right? So don’t. You wanted us to go our separate ways. Let’s start now.”

“Fine. Have it your way.”

Avery stood off to the side as Thomas sped off. She waited until the car was out of sight before letting out the sob she’d been holding. Being dumped was one thing. This wasn’t just that. This was a betrayal.

Being proclaimed as a hinder to her long-term partner’s career left Avery nauseated. He was leaving her because he needed someone to blame and two strangers pointed him in her direction. When Avery thought about the women who planted that idea into Thomas’s head, she hated them. Almost as much as she did herself for ever having loved him.

Chapter 2 - Here in the Now

Juliana

6 seasons and this feeling still hadn’t gotten old. Juliana imagined it never would. While her nervous butterflies during a win-or-go-home game were likely not good for her health, she liked that they were there. It was a reminder of how much she still cared.

It was easy to lose sight of the game with the outside noise surrounding it. As an owner, Juliana was more prone to it. But in the final minute of a game that decided your season, the noise faded away. What remained was how much Juliana loved her team and this game.

When they played, all thoughts of the outside world disappeared like smoke from a bonfire. She could focus on the task at hand, and nothing else mattered except winning and protecting those who relied on her.

Ramona sat beside her, gripping her arm as she had during their first playoff game 5 years ago. In that time they’d won two titles, earned profits beyond their wildest dreams, and set record numbers in attendance and ratings. Not too shabby for two trust fund brats.

“Relax. You’re cutting off my circulation. If I don’t get some blood flow back into my arm soon, I’m going to pass out.”

“Sorry,” Ramona offered. Her gaze drifted out to the rink, where the Chicago Comets were getting ready to line up a shot. It was the last game of the regular season and it had more stakes than it had any right to.

The way the season had worked out for the Brawlers left them needing one more win to qualify for the playoffs. If they lost, their season would end today. Unfortunately, they were up against a team that also had to win to keep their season alive.

With less than a minute to go and the Comets up by one and with possession of the puck, it was not looking good for the Brawlers. This season wasn’t the underdog tale like their first. Or the culmination of years of hard work resulting in a fairytale ending like their fourth.

No, this was the year of bad luck. Injuries to key players and a roster whose age was catching up with them doomed their season. It was a miracle they even had a chance at making the playoffs. It was a testament to how good Coach Micheals and his staff were.

But no amount of talent from their coaching staff or the roster was going to be enough to pull another miracle off. Juliana came to terms with that as the clock continued to dwindle. Her sister hadn’t, still holding onto whatever hope remained.

Juliana let her, despite knowing what Ramona hoped for wasn’t going to come true. As if her sister heard her thoughts, Ramona turned to her. “Already drafting your closing remarks?”

“Someone has to, and judging by how emotional you look, it won’t be you.”

Ramona sighed, not denying that this impending loss was taking a toll on her. “I don’t know what it is. Normally, I’m able to bottle up what I’m feeling when it comes to losses. This one feels different, though. Like it’s going to hurt worse than the ones before.”

Juliana had a theory why that was. There had been little roster turnover since the sisters inherited the team from their late father. In a league where GMs and owners didn’t hesitate to make trades, the Brawlers were the exception. They had kept as many players as they could from the final roster their father had built. To Juliana and Ramona, getting rid of them was like taking an axe to their dad’s parting gift to them.

They fought to keep it intact for as long as they could. Yet to compete in a tough league like the PLH, the Kane sisters would have to make some difficult decisions. It went unspoken because neither sister had it in them to say it. But the truth was, the team leaving the ice tonight would not be the one playing for them in the fall.

Tonight was Smith Kane’s Brawlers’ swan song, and it would end in defeat.

After the final siren sounded and the loss was etched into the record books, Juliana and Ramona ushered out of the skybox. They walked side by side to the locker room, preparing to talk to their team.

“I don’t know if I’m ready for this,” Ramona confessed. “The guys aren’t oblivious. They’ve known this roster has been running on borrowed time since the start of the season. How do we look them in the eyes and tell them that time’s up?”

Juliana understood Ramona’s feelings well. These men had become more than their employees. They’d been guests at the Kane’s townhouse for Sunday dinners. The sisters had met and befriended their spouses. They’d done what their father did before them and made their players a part of their family.

Now they had to ignore those connections and make decisions that would affect their livelihoods and futures. It wasn’t a fun position to be in. They had been there once before and it ended in a public scandal and the exile of their last living relative.

Juliana didn’t like being in this position any more than Ramona did, but they couldn’t ignore the truth any longer. “They know this is a business and we can’t tolerate mediocrity. No other team would’ve gone as long as we have being this reluctant to change.”

“That’s because we’ve built something here no other team has. We’ve never had as much knowledge of hockey as other owners. What we did have was our connection to our players and staff. If we ruin that, we lose what makes us special. Lose what sets us apart from the unfeeling executives here.”

“Better we lose that than lose seasons. We’ve been successful for so long you have it in your head that we always will be. We won’t. Things can change on a dime. If we can’t deliver a quality product, the fans, the ratings, and revenue will disappear.”

“I miss the days when you were optimistic. Back before your frontal lobe was fully developed.”

Juliana rolled her eyes. She resented the notion she was all doom and gloom. She wasn’t, but she had grown into a business-minded person. Where her sister was brash and impulsive, Juliana was analytical and sensible. They balanced each other out, minus the times where their different approaches to leading clashed, like now.

“Maybe I would have more optimism if I didn’t have to be the logical one between us.”

“The logical one?” Ramona repeated, stopping them both in their tracks. “What does that make me? The irrational one?”

“No, but you’ve always been the street-smart one and I’m more by the book. You’ve gotten the luxury of not having to consider the same things that I do. It’s natural to you to make decisions based on emotions. Both of us can’t do that, so it’s up to me to prioritize everything else.”

Ramona gave her baby sister a piercing glare, then huffed. “You make it sound like I leave you to deal with the heavy load. I don’t. If anything, you demand to have it. You never want to relinquish control or relax. You always have to have everything figured out.”

“You say it like it’s a bad thing.”

“It is a bad thing. We’re meant to be equals, remember? That’s how Dad wanted it.”

Juliana took her sister by the shoulders and turned her away from the arena’s employees. They’d had their fill of people staring at them, but the last thing they needed after their season ending was a story about them fighting.

“We are equals,” she replied. “I’m just more willing to make the hard choices that you struggle with. I hope you know I don’t think that makes me superior to you.”

“That’s not what I’m worried about. I worry that our different approaches to leading will make you resentful towards me.”

“What? How could you think that?”

“Because you implied it. You’ve lost your optimism because I’ve forced you into being the logical one.” Juliana chuckled to Ramona’s dismay. “What are you chuckling about?”

“Because you’re being ridiculous. So what if I’m not the same wide-eyed girl from 5 years ago? It’s not a bad thing. I’ve grown up, and that’s not your fault or this job’s. It was always going to happen. Every kid loses their naivety and wonder about the world at some point.”

“Except that’s not all you’ve lost. Any meaningful connections you had from college have long disappeared. All your friends are industry contacts. You haven’t gone on a date in years.”

“You think you’re to blame for that? Egotistical, much?”

Ramona rolled her eyes. “No. I don’t think I’m to blame, but where we are in our personal lives is so drastically different. I wouldn’t blame you if you felt resentful towards me for having a life outside of this job and for having an easier load than you.”

“Sweetie, you’re married to McCoy Cafferty. That’s not something I’ll ever be envious of.”

Juliana’s brother-in-law had been many things to different people during his time in the spotlight. Professionally, he was once the hot-headed, cocky All-Star whom fans loved to hate. Personally, he was a former playboy with a body count better left unsaid.

Nowadays, McCoy was the settled down, weathered veteran who kept his nose clean. It was hard to believe with how much of a troublemaker he used to be. But Juliana could contest to the change, since she was one of the people McCoy had fucked over.

It was more than fair to say the pair had gotten off on the wrong foot. What with McCoy and Ramona carrying out a forbidden workplace romance behind Juliana’s back. A move that almost cost them their jobs and sent McCoy packing to a new team. Juliana had managed to forgive them for being so reckless, but she never forgot about it.

It taught her early on how Ramona viewed their job. Her sister may have loved being an owner, but she didn’t need it like Juliana did. While Juliana would sacrifice almost anything for her job, including love, Ramona wouldn’t. Knowing that made Juliana work twice as hard to make up for any of her sister’s shortcomings. She didn’t see that as resentment, rather it was just the way things were.

“I love how much you worry about me, but I’m fine, Mo. More than fine. I’m happy. Well, not at this exact moment since our season just ended.” Ramona snickered and Juliana did too. “Overall, though, I’m happy. So will you please take my word for it?”

“I can try.”

Juliana smiled as Ramona pulled her into an embrace. “You need to stop worrying so much. You’ll end up making yourself sick.” Like a cosmic joke, Ramona belched.

“Or you’ll be sick now,” Juliana quipped. The lightness in her tone disappeared when Ramona broke the hug, revealing how green she’d gone. “Are you alright?”

She didn’t speak, holding her hand over her mouth. Before Juliana could ask again, Ramona was already jogging toward the restroom. Juliana made a mental note to raid the liquor cabinet at her sister’s place when she got the chance.

Right now though, she had to talk to the team. With or without Ramona.

When Juliana entered the locker room, she walked to the center. From there, she could see how many of the players were bowing their heads. Towels covered others’ heads so they didn’t get judged for their tears. Others sat against their cubbys, with their arms folded, staring off into space. Music played from a speaker, filling the dead air.

“Cut the music off,” Juliana told whoever had access to it. They listened, the room flipping to quiet as quickly as a light-switch. Through six seasons, Juliana had learned to let her players deal with the losses without trying to make it better. Words didn’t fix anything, no matter how much one wished they would.

Tonight wasn’t a night where she could let them wallow because this would be the last night she addressed them as a team. Next season the faces that stared back at Juliana would be different. Fresh blood would stand in the locker room. It would be a new start, a new era. But that couldn’t happen without a goodbye to old friends first.

“I’m not going to beat around the bush. This season wasn’t what we hoped it would be. When you’ve been at the top of the mountain, it’s hard to face a fall like this. We’ve been at the bottom rung before. It sucks to be here again. Changes have to happen because this franchise is too legendary to accept mediocrity as its new norm.”

Juliana’s words were cutting edge even to her own ears. There was only one way to cushion it. “How we even reached that status to begin with is because of every one of you in this room. This ending doesn’t rewrite our story. It doesn’t erase the two championship banners. Or our place in the record books. Your names are forever etched into history, and so is this team. Ramona and I are so unbelievably proud.”

“When we became owners, we expected pushback. We expected hate. What we didn’t expect was to gain a new family in the place of our old one. And I have to admit, the thought of not seeing you all everyday scares me shitless. You guys made the losses easier to bear and the wins better. So thank you. Thank you for believing in us when others told you there was no hope for us. We owe you everything. I’m going to miss you. I really am.”

Juliana paused for a moment, trying not to lose her composure. “No matter what the future holds, know that when I think about the most important memories of my life, I will think about this team. The people on it. Their perseverance, their courage, and their unwavering faith. You are all more than what people see in you. Yes, you’re an incredible team with a lot of accolades. You’re also great men and even greater friends. So let this be our parting gift to you. Keep going. Continue to do what matters to you, and we’ll be rooting for you on the sidelines. That is when you’re not facing us.”

That last bit earned her a few chuckles and some reassuring smiles. There was sadness behind them, but no bitterness or resentment. Only genuine appreciation for what this team had accomplished in its run. Juliana turned to the locker room door. “You can come in now, families that have been waiting for their cue.”

Like clockwork, the door opened and the players’ family members crowded into the room. Spouses, parents, siblings, and kids went to their loved one, acting as the antidote to their melancholy. Juliana stood in the doorway, half in the room and half in the hallway. The players cheered up almost instantly from being around their families.

That kind of love could soften the impact of any blow. Juliana was happy they had that even if she was a world away from having that for herself. As much as she loved her team like family, they weren’t. They had their own families, their own people to go home to. All she had was her sister.

And even she had someone else, and she had him now. Down the hallway, Ramona was in McCoy’s arms, her person. They didn’t see Juliana watching them. They were tuned into their own world just as the players were with their supporters.

It was a familiar scene. Spouses soothing their defeated husbands, children climbing into their fathers’ arms. This, when the season was over and there was nothing left to analyze or fix, was where Juliana felt the most alone. Her own success had always been enough, until moments like this, when enough felt like a poor substitute for complete.